New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
