I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Randomize
