We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The power of my boobs compel you
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
