didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
