Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
