Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
