I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
