Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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