and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
