im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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