I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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