i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
