You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
