and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
