I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
