I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
