I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
