And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
