11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize