I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my vag is so smooth its legendary
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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