Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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