Betty ford says i'm here all night
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize