I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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