I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
