Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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