this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
