There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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