Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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