At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
