I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
