New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
