I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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