How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
