I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
