I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize