so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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