yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
