I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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