What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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