So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize