i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize