I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
