Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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