my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
