o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
