you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize