A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Everything about him screamed your future.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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