My room smells like vodka and shame
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
