You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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