i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
