Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
