it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
