Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
