I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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