Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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