I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
