i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
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