Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
